Saturday, September 20, 2014

A whoopie pie of a disaster

To bake or not to bake, that is the question.
Somehow I don't think Shakespeare faced this dilemma.

My baking escapades have continued and every day I have tackled another recipe and another set of ingredients. Some days the result has been divine. Other days it has been disastrous.
Like today.

I had another inedible creation, this time of whoopie pie proportions. I attempted to make pumpkin whoopie pies with a cream cheese filling. Instead I got round disc shaped sponges with pointy peeks  where soft pillows of dough were meant to form. I didn't even get to the cream cheese filling before I knew that these cookies were at utter failure and definitely not worthy of being served to anyone.
This is the second time in a week that my baking has turned into mush and has had to be disposed of instead of eaten up. This massive waste of ingredients being sent down my garbage disposal has me questioning my future in the kitchen. Should I be baking at all? Baking isn't cheap. The ingredients needed are plentiful - and pricey. I am spending much of my time in an apron with a bowl and mixer in hand when maybe I should be spending time doing something entirely different.
Should I be focusing on some job or career or some future that could include a pay check? Am I frittering away time when I really should be growing up and being more "adult-ish"? (Mature terminology, don't you think?)
I'm beginning to think this whole baking thing has been nothing more than an escape from the reality of having to grow up and make something of my life. And then, on the other hand, I am constantly aware of my physical condition and the limitations it places on me. How can I get on with life outside of the walls of my house when my physical ailments so often sideline me from being out and about and fully "productive" by the standards of society?
I'm at a crossroads and the disastrous whoopie pie situation pushed me right over the edge into complete meltdown.

I've wondered so many times throughout my four years of this physical trial, "how will God ever use me in this condition?" Then I hit on baking and thought that was how He would use me. But how will He use me if what I bake ends up in the sink? Was all that, "God can use me in the kitchen!" talk just a bunch of wishful thinking? Maybe it was just a distraction to get my mind off of the fact that while my fellow twenty-four year olds are off getting married, having careers and socializing I am stuck at home with a digestive system that I can't rely on and a body that is constantly on the fritz!
Maybe it is just time to face the facts of the matter: I'm a twenty four year old with no prospects of a future. I'm a twenty four year old still living at home in my childhood bedroom with no friends, no job and no career path. I don't have a marketable skill or a valued trade. I don't have a social circle or even a social semi-circle. I'm certainly not a baker and sadly, not a writer, either.
I'm just a girl on the fritz.... who maybe shouldn't be baking.

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